Pieces of my puzzle

I got a sweet email from one of my mother's friends the other night. She was just emailing to check on me and see how I was doing. I also recieved a card from one of her friends that she worked with for 30 years and then my Aunt Net (mom's sister) called me today to check on me. I feel as though all of these precious, loving women, are trying to hold me up and I appreciate them so much.
As I have written before, my mom was not the best "nurturer". In fact, she was more like a sibling than a mother. I took care of her, not the other way around. Her friend Patsy told me about how she attends both of her grandchildren's baseball games most every Saturday and I immediately though, "Wow, that is great!" My mom never saw Tucker play a single game, and he started playing soccer at 3, basketball at 4 and flag football at 6. There were hundreds of opportunities for her to watch him play, but she never came. My dad and stepmom came all of the time, and my husband's parents drove two hours just to watch him play for an hour and then turn around and drive back, many, many times. Why didn't my mom make this effort? I will never know.
What I am going to write tonight has caused me to feel a deep sense of guilt for many years. I have always longed for a true "mother" figure in my life. I never realized what I was missing in my mother until I got to college. There were mother's that sent thier daughters goody bags to the dorms during rush, showed up on bid day and gave them flowers. Mom's that would drive from 8 hours away just to take their daughter's shopping or to get a new hair cut. My friends got care packages and clothes all of the time in the mail. My mother only saw one apartment that I lived in the whole time I was in college. I went home on the weekends a lot just to keep her company because she would make me feel guilty if I didn't. She never took me shopping as a teenager. She would give me money and I would shop with a friend on Friday nights at the mall or my daddy would take me. She never helped me fix my hair for a dance or cheerleader tryouts or a football game. She never gave me make up tips, or took me to get a mani/pedi. When I look back at my childhood and my teen years, I am not really sure where she was. Mother did not even attend my college graduation ceremony, which was one of the proudest days in my life. Thank goodness my dad and Jackie were there for me. All of my memories of her are of parties with mom and dad's friends at our house or on our boat.
I am sad that I did not get to have those mother daughter experiences. I am insanely jealous of my friends who have these wonderfully supportive and nurturing mothers. When my mom stopped drinking and got healthy we would meet for dinner and did go shopping a few times. Even those times could not make up for a lifetime of missed opportunities.
Throughout the past 15 years I have wished to be adopted by someone else's mother. I feel guilty writing that, because I feel like mom can hear my thoughts now. God blessed me with wonderful women in my life.
My stepmother, Jackie was sent to my dad by God, there is no doubt in my mind. My poor daddy was broken down and lost after dealing with my mother's drinking for 25 years. Mother was mean to him during the divorce and tried to turn me against him. Then daddy met Jackie and she changed both of our lives. They were married my senior year in college. I was so proud of them both and extremely happy for my dad. When I graduated and moved to New Orleans daddy and Jackie moved me. I will never forget that when we got to my apartment, Jackie took a broom, mop, bucket and Comet and went to work cleaning my apartment from the top to the bottom. She lined my shelves, she helped me arrange my kitchen, and the best thing of all; Took me shopping!! I was awestruck the entire two days at her generosity. She bought me a cooking set, a few pieces I still use today. She bought a vacuum cleaner, dirty clothes basket, bath towels, dish towels, cleaning products, everything that I would need to set up an apartment. I remember thinking, "Wow! Is this normal?" and that I would love this woman unconditionally for the rest of my life. She is truly an angel on Earth to me. Her daughter Natalie lives 15 hours away and I know she misses her very much. I often feel like an ursurper because I get to spend more time with Jackie than Nat does. Fortunately, Natalie is one of the kindest people I know and she has never showed any anymosity towards me and my relationship with her mother. When mom was alive, she hated Jackie, she would threaten me not to get close to Jackie and be upset with me if I bought Jackie a more expensive birthday or Christmas gift. At my wedding, I wanted Jackie to be led down the aisle after my mom and to sit beside my dad. This enraged my mother, and she was so mad and ugly to me that I cried half the night before my wedding. I was determined to give Jackie that walk down the aisle, she had deserved it. In the end Brad had to have a talk with my mother, one of many that would follow throughout our marriage, and mother left me alone about it. Jackie was escorted down the aise and sat beside my dad. After the ceremony Brad and I presented our mother's with a red rose. I gave one to my mother first, and then one to Jackie. My mom later told me that she threw hers away because the gesture was void after I had given one to Jackie. I didn't care, my heart was full.
My Aunt Margaret, who is not really my aunt, but she and her husband were close friends of my parents. I spent so much time around her when I was little that I just dubbed her "Aunt Margaret". Once, a few years ago, when mom was getting her life back together and going to church, I had a work trip that sent me to Aunt Margaret's home city. I was able to spend the night with her and Uncle Forrest. It was one of the best nights of my life! We sat up and had girl talk until two in the morning. She listened as I talked about mom, and my frustrations, and heartache over her past transgressions. She would ask meaningful questions that let me know that she was truly interested in learning how I felt, not just trying to make me feel better. She and uncle Forrest came to mom's funeral and I was able to spend some time with them then. She also sent me the most beautiful daily devotional. Aunt Margaret has truly been a blessing to me and I am so thankful to her.
Then there is my friend Callie's mom, Mrs. Dianne. She is so thoughtful and full of life, that she makes me smile just thinking about her. During college she would drive up with Callie's dad, to see Callie and I would race over to the apartmen as soon as they were in town to hug Mrs.Dianne's neck. Every year in college during spring break, we went to Callie's house. I couldn't wait to see her parents, I love them so much. The rest of our friends would be out back having a party and I would be in the kitchen talking to Mrs. Dianne for hours. The next day I would be laying on the couch reading a book while Callie's dad sat in his favorite chair and read the paper. We would both be drinking coffee while my friends were passed out or nursing hangovers. He would ask me questions about Callie and try to dig for dirt on her. Then he would always ask me to take care of Callie for him, and I did. He passed away four years ago, and Mrs. Dianne gave me some of his books, Historical novels and Biographys,which I cherish.
Then there is Mrs. Patsy, my friend Margaret Ann's mother. She is a wonderful, Godly lady, and so loving and generous with her time, it amazes me. We go to the same church, and I look forward to seeing her every Sunday. I have to have my weekly hug from Mrs. Patsy and Mr. Bill or my week won't go well! I also have this desire to please Mrs. Patsy because I think so highly of her. A few months ago something was posted on my facebook wall and it was offensive to her. I was crushed. I was so afraid that she would think bad of me for this post. She never mentioned it to me, and I still get my weekly hug. I have looked over at her during church and often wondered what it would be like if she adopted me? I know that I would learn to sew, and cook and be a better wife and mother in her care. Marge and I are basically like sister's anyway, so that could work!
I also have Mrs. Prissy. She is our pastor's wife, and I adore her. She is gorgeous, yet humble, funny, but serious and can brighten a room with one laugh. She is another one that I love to get a weekly hug from. If I don't see her on Sunday I miss her. She is a very strong woman as well. She lost her father and simultaneously had to nurse her husband, Pastor Ron to health during a bad sickness that he suffered from for months. Through it all she remained upbeat on the outside, never showing her worry or pain. Instead she gave out love and warmth to the entire church when we needed it the most. I would love to be adopted by her as well.
There are so many others, Mrs. Beth from Columbus, Brad's mother's friend who is so sweet to me and good to my boys. Mrs. Betty, Brad's friend Walter's mom, who is just so sweet and nurturing you couldn't ever imagine a harsh word coming out of her mouth. She has always loved on me since we dated and I loved every second of it. My mom's friend Patsy, who I wrote about before, who knew me as a baby and prayed with me at mother's bedside the day that she passed away.
I am attracted to these wonderful strong women and mother's because each of them has something inside of them that I am missing. A piece of my puzzle that I so desperately wish could be complete. I know that there are millions of girls in worse situations than I am who have lost thier mother, or thier mother has left them, or just didn't care about them growing up. I know that these girls also share this longing, for a maternal figure to take care of them, to hold them when they need it even though they are grown with kids of thier own. I pray for those girls, because we are all part of a different sect of women. I pray that these girls will see their mother's faults, like I have, and are hell bent on changing the course with thier own kids. Since Tucker was born, I have made sure to do everything my mother never did and I will continue to do so. One day I will have a daughter in law, and I will do my best to love and nurture her as well.
All this is to say that if you are a mother, PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST. And if you are a daughter who has one of these mother's that I have longed for, HUG THEM AND TELL THEM THEY ARE WONDERFUL! I have come to realize while sitting in church wondering if I could be adopted by one of these great women, that even if they took me in, they could never take the place of my mother. Flawed as she was, she will always be my one and only mother. I guess I will just have to keep making do with what I had and make sure that my boys have more love than they know what to do with.