There is no doubt that the past two weeks have been hard on me and my family. Tucker broke down again tonight when we prayed for God to tell Nana hello from us. He did not get to spend a lot of time with her the past two years, but he knew she was there and I think that he thought about her a lot more often that I thought he did.
Life is strange, you live for 34 years with a mother, who may or may not have taken the best care or had the most interest in you. Then all of the sudden she's gone, yet life moves on.
Brad and I are going to the Gator Bowl with some friends this weekend and I will be able to spend time with my precious friend Callie, and her mom, who have both impacted my life in so many ways I can't even list them here. This visit is giving me a new hope that I will be able to move on, to rise out of this quick sand full of grief. These little bursts of hope are really what life is all about. You live for the next good thing to happen in your life, so that you can try to forget the negative that has happened in the past. One thing is for certain, to have hope you must first have faith. Without Faith in eternity, provided to us by the ultimate sacrifice of Christ himself, there would be no hope for our future. What joy would there be in moving on with your life after a tragedy? I am grateful to God for my Faith and Hope in tomorrow and so thankful to be blessed with today.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
First Christmas without Mom
Last Christmas, my mom called on Christmas Eve to say that she was feeling too bad to come to our house on Christmas Day. I was dissapointed and frustrated because my boys had wanted to see their Nana so badly. So, that was the first actual Christmas that I did not see my mom, but I called her and wished her a Merry Christmas. This was the first year that I was unable to speak to her at all.
I woke up on Christmas Eve with joy in my heart and a song on my lips. Brad's parents came into town and went to the Christmas Eve service with us at our church, then came to spend the night at our house as they have done for the last two years. This morning, I woke up with a sadness realizing that I couldn't call my mom to tell her what the boys got for Christmas, or to tell her how much they loved her gift to them. Tucker has been so upset about Nana's passing, that I didn't even label the gift I had intended to give him from her. Instead I put Connor's name on it so that he wouldn't be sad today.
I am reminding myself of the absolute perfect Christmas celebration that she was able to attend today in Heaven. It is only my selfishness that wishes that I could hear her voice again. If she were here today, she would have been in an assisted living, which though a beautiful place, was not her own home. This would have robbed her of all joy for everyday, not just Christmas.
So, I must remind myelf to rejoice in the fact that she has a new body, is with her mother,her brothers and sister and my sweet cousin today. This life on Earth is only temporary and I must live for the blessings I have been given which are my two precious boys. This too shall pass, and come again, and pass again, and over and over until at last this rollercoaster of emotions comes to a standstill.
Merry Christmas Momma. I love you and miss you very much!
I woke up on Christmas Eve with joy in my heart and a song on my lips. Brad's parents came into town and went to the Christmas Eve service with us at our church, then came to spend the night at our house as they have done for the last two years. This morning, I woke up with a sadness realizing that I couldn't call my mom to tell her what the boys got for Christmas, or to tell her how much they loved her gift to them. Tucker has been so upset about Nana's passing, that I didn't even label the gift I had intended to give him from her. Instead I put Connor's name on it so that he wouldn't be sad today.
I am reminding myself of the absolute perfect Christmas celebration that she was able to attend today in Heaven. It is only my selfishness that wishes that I could hear her voice again. If she were here today, she would have been in an assisted living, which though a beautiful place, was not her own home. This would have robbed her of all joy for everyday, not just Christmas.
So, I must remind myelf to rejoice in the fact that she has a new body, is with her mother,her brothers and sister and my sweet cousin today. This life on Earth is only temporary and I must live for the blessings I have been given which are my two precious boys. This too shall pass, and come again, and pass again, and over and over until at last this rollercoaster of emotions comes to a standstill.
Merry Christmas Momma. I love you and miss you very much!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Mom's Eulogy
May 22, 2010
Eulogy for Ann Tucker
By: April Tucker Boswell
Many of you may be thinking to yourself that I seem untouched by my mother’s passing, or that I must be a strong person to be standing up here right now giving her Eulogy. I disagree with both of those assumptions. The reason that I am able to stand here today and give a light hearted tribute to my mother is pure and simple: FAITH. I know without a shadow of a doubt where my mom is right now. I have no doubt what so ever that she is in Heaven, with her mother, her sister, her brothers, her nephew and her friends, enjoying her new body that is strong and pain free.
Many people have expressed how sad it is to lose a loved one so close to Christmas. While I will admit, that losing my mother so close to a holiday filled with memories of her is very tough, it would be very selfish of me to be sad that she died so close to Christmas. For what could be better than being able to spend Christmas in Heaven, where you can celebrate with the One who we celebrate for, Jesus Christ?? Right now, my Mother is running around in her new body on streets of gold, and three days from now she will get to tell Jesus Christ in person, Happy Birthday. What could be sad about that? For if it were not for as John wrote “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” None of us would be able to celebrate Christmas.
Though I am glad that she is now in Heaven and is free of her illness and pain, I am going to miss her very much. As most of you know she was a woman of character. I am going to share some memories that I have about her characteristics, and events that will bring smiles to your faces. I have to preface by saying that if she were sitting in this room right now she would quickly say, “April Lynn, don’t you dare talk about me!” but…. She’s in Heaven where she can’t yell at me, yet anyway.
One funny quirk of my mom’s was that she always had to drink coffee from a REAL coffee cup. If you brought her a cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup she would not drink it. If she didn’t know you very well, she would say thank you politely, then after you walked away, she would quietly sit it down on a table or dump it in a flower pot. If she did know you and you tried to offer her coffee in a Styrofoam cup she would look at you as if you had two head and ask if you didn’t have real coffee cups. If you were on a road trip with her, you had to stop at a Waffle House or another type of restaurant where she could have coffee in a real cup. This could be time consuming and frustrating to say the least….
Another thing about my mom was that she was sneaky. A trait I have unfortunately inherited from her and one that my dad is glad to get rid of and my husband wishes he could give away. Her sneaky ways were often proceeded by some act of defiance. For instance if you were to tell her, “Ann, you can’t park here, it is reserved for the handicapped,” she would quickly say, “Well, that’s ridiculous, I don’t want to walk that far, tell them I’m handicapped.” And… She would park there. On the way to the hospital the last time that we had to call an ambulance, she kept insisting that she needed to get something out of her bathroom. Aware of her ploy, I told her, “Mom we don’t have time for you to smoke another cigarette, these ambulance drivers have other people to help.” To which she replied a quick, “Smarty pants!” She snuck three packs of cigarettes in her purse that time, which I threw away in the ER and was reprimanded for and called “Crazy April” for later.. When she was released from the hospital time before last, she insisted that I stay at work and said that her friend Joan would pick her up. I knew exactly what she was up to, but did need to miss any more work so I stayed in Birmingham. You see, Mom knew that there was no way on God’s green Earth that I would stop and buy her any cigarettes. However Joan, sweet lady that she is, would buy those cigarettes. Sure enough, she told Joan to pick some cigarettes up for her on the way to the hospital. As soon as she got into the car she started to light one up. Joan looked down at the oxygen tank sitting in between them, with the nasal cannula in mom’s nose and said, “Ann, you can’t smoke with oxygen in this car, you’ll blow us both up!” So…. Mom rolled the window down, took the tube off of her nose and let it hang out the window and lit up her cigarette. I wonder what people thought seeing a car going down Meighan Blvd with an oxygen tube and a hand holding a cigarette hanging out of a car window?
Mom loved to stay up late and sleep all day, in fact, Jay and I often referred to her as a ‘vampire’. The night I moved her into The Point at Goldenrod she made sure to tell the attendants that she was not to be woken up before noon. They told her that would be a problem because she had to eat breakfast and take her medicines. To that she replied, “Well, we might have to work around that.” As I was cleaning out one of her drawers I found this article from “Dear Abbie” that she had clipped out of the paper. (READ DEAR ABBY ARTICLE HERE). I would have sworn that she wrote it but it says it came from California. I must reiterate the sneaky factor here…
One of her dearest friends was Linda Miller. Mom and Linda used to call each other “Dummy”as nicknames, they were Dummy 1 and Dummy2 which alternated according to who was in the better mood. Mom and Linda would fish off of the pier at our house together, all the while bickering amongst themselves over who knows what. One snag in their fishing routine was the fact that neither of the “Dummies” would unhook a fish, so they had to make sure that my dad was home when they went fishing. Linda also used to like to wear tennis shoes all of the time. Mom could never think of what to call them so she decided to call them “Running Wild Shoes” Mom talked about how tacky they were, but Linda wore them anyway. A couple of years ago, after Linda had passed on, she finally bought herself a pair of “Running Wild Shoes” once she realized how good they were for her feet. When I pointed out that she used to make fun of Linda’s shoes she said, “Well, I guess Dummy was right about these shoes after all, but mine are prettier.”
Mom loved Halloween and I have some of the fondest memories of riding with her to neighborhoods far and wide in Southside to trick or treat, to soap store windows and pick out Halloween costumes. She also loved to read horror books and watch horror movies. Stephen King and Patricia Cornwell were two of her favorite authors. I think that she and I watched Cujo and Carrie when I was about nine or ten years old. I will never look at St. Bernard’s or Prom queens the same again!
Mom also liked to fish off our old pontoon boat which my friends and I called “the blue ghost”. My parents bought this old boat just for fishing, and it didn’t have the most reliable engine on it. One time, my friends and I were with her on the boat when we broke down about a mile or so outside of our sloo. First mom made us find some paddles and paddle our way in. When this wasn’t fast enough, she made me put a life jacket on, and tie a ski rope around my waist. Then I had to jump in and swim us into the sloo. All the while mom was fishing off the side of the boat singing, “Rolling down the River”.
During the past two years of mom’s life she became very weak. It would take her so long to get ready to go anywhere that she just stopped going anywhere all together. I never understood what in the world could be so hard about getting dressed and getting in the car until she explained her getting ready process to me. Evidently she could not bear to see ANYONE inside or outside her home without her “face” on and her hair curled. This dressing routine normally consisted of an hour and half worth of fixing herself up with coffee breaks in between. When I tried to tell mom that she didn’t need to worry about makeup or her hair when I brought the boys over to see her, that we were just her family, she said, “Well, I’ve got to at least have on lipstick and my hair fixed.” She never left her house without lipstick.
All of these characteristics made my mom a great Nana to Tucker and Connor. She always made sure that they had fun when they were with her and was constantly buying them gifts and chocolate. If fact, when Tucker was smaller we would meet Nana for dinner in Trussville, and then go to Target. While at Target Nana would always buy Tucker a toy. She also brought Tucker a toy each time we saw her, and then did the same for Connor. This was a hard tradition to break with those boys!
My mom was a difficult woman at times. She was the most stubborn, hard headed person I have ever known, and unfortunately she passed that trait along to my youngest son Connor. She would bite your head off one minute, and love on you the next. I guess this is why all of the nurses in the hospitals seemed to love her so much. She was fierce, but somehow she always made people aware that she wasn’t as bad as she seemed. I will miss her laugh, her smile, and the way that she picked on everyone from her family, her friends, to the ambulance drivers, the nurses and even the doctors. She was endearing in her own special way. She and I had some rough moments just like any other mother/daughter will have. Sometimes were harder than others. However, there is a strong bond between a mother and her child, you may crack that bond over time, but you will never, ever be able to sever it completely. Those cracks will heal, and a fresh path will be laid on top. This new life without her is my fresh path, and I know that everyday as I walk down it, I will have an angel by my side.
I love you momma, this is not good bye, but a “I’ll see you soon”
Eulogy for Ann Tucker
By: April Tucker Boswell
Many of you may be thinking to yourself that I seem untouched by my mother’s passing, or that I must be a strong person to be standing up here right now giving her Eulogy. I disagree with both of those assumptions. The reason that I am able to stand here today and give a light hearted tribute to my mother is pure and simple: FAITH. I know without a shadow of a doubt where my mom is right now. I have no doubt what so ever that she is in Heaven, with her mother, her sister, her brothers, her nephew and her friends, enjoying her new body that is strong and pain free.
Many people have expressed how sad it is to lose a loved one so close to Christmas. While I will admit, that losing my mother so close to a holiday filled with memories of her is very tough, it would be very selfish of me to be sad that she died so close to Christmas. For what could be better than being able to spend Christmas in Heaven, where you can celebrate with the One who we celebrate for, Jesus Christ?? Right now, my Mother is running around in her new body on streets of gold, and three days from now she will get to tell Jesus Christ in person, Happy Birthday. What could be sad about that? For if it were not for as John wrote “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” None of us would be able to celebrate Christmas.
Though I am glad that she is now in Heaven and is free of her illness and pain, I am going to miss her very much. As most of you know she was a woman of character. I am going to share some memories that I have about her characteristics, and events that will bring smiles to your faces. I have to preface by saying that if she were sitting in this room right now she would quickly say, “April Lynn, don’t you dare talk about me!” but…. She’s in Heaven where she can’t yell at me, yet anyway.
One funny quirk of my mom’s was that she always had to drink coffee from a REAL coffee cup. If you brought her a cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup she would not drink it. If she didn’t know you very well, she would say thank you politely, then after you walked away, she would quietly sit it down on a table or dump it in a flower pot. If she did know you and you tried to offer her coffee in a Styrofoam cup she would look at you as if you had two head and ask if you didn’t have real coffee cups. If you were on a road trip with her, you had to stop at a Waffle House or another type of restaurant where she could have coffee in a real cup. This could be time consuming and frustrating to say the least….
Another thing about my mom was that she was sneaky. A trait I have unfortunately inherited from her and one that my dad is glad to get rid of and my husband wishes he could give away. Her sneaky ways were often proceeded by some act of defiance. For instance if you were to tell her, “Ann, you can’t park here, it is reserved for the handicapped,” she would quickly say, “Well, that’s ridiculous, I don’t want to walk that far, tell them I’m handicapped.” And… She would park there. On the way to the hospital the last time that we had to call an ambulance, she kept insisting that she needed to get something out of her bathroom. Aware of her ploy, I told her, “Mom we don’t have time for you to smoke another cigarette, these ambulance drivers have other people to help.” To which she replied a quick, “Smarty pants!” She snuck three packs of cigarettes in her purse that time, which I threw away in the ER and was reprimanded for and called “Crazy April” for later.. When she was released from the hospital time before last, she insisted that I stay at work and said that her friend Joan would pick her up. I knew exactly what she was up to, but did need to miss any more work so I stayed in Birmingham. You see, Mom knew that there was no way on God’s green Earth that I would stop and buy her any cigarettes. However Joan, sweet lady that she is, would buy those cigarettes. Sure enough, she told Joan to pick some cigarettes up for her on the way to the hospital. As soon as she got into the car she started to light one up. Joan looked down at the oxygen tank sitting in between them, with the nasal cannula in mom’s nose and said, “Ann, you can’t smoke with oxygen in this car, you’ll blow us both up!” So…. Mom rolled the window down, took the tube off of her nose and let it hang out the window and lit up her cigarette. I wonder what people thought seeing a car going down Meighan Blvd with an oxygen tube and a hand holding a cigarette hanging out of a car window?
Mom loved to stay up late and sleep all day, in fact, Jay and I often referred to her as a ‘vampire’. The night I moved her into The Point at Goldenrod she made sure to tell the attendants that she was not to be woken up before noon. They told her that would be a problem because she had to eat breakfast and take her medicines. To that she replied, “Well, we might have to work around that.” As I was cleaning out one of her drawers I found this article from “Dear Abbie” that she had clipped out of the paper. (READ DEAR ABBY ARTICLE HERE). I would have sworn that she wrote it but it says it came from California. I must reiterate the sneaky factor here…
One of her dearest friends was Linda Miller. Mom and Linda used to call each other “Dummy”as nicknames, they were Dummy 1 and Dummy2 which alternated according to who was in the better mood. Mom and Linda would fish off of the pier at our house together, all the while bickering amongst themselves over who knows what. One snag in their fishing routine was the fact that neither of the “Dummies” would unhook a fish, so they had to make sure that my dad was home when they went fishing. Linda also used to like to wear tennis shoes all of the time. Mom could never think of what to call them so she decided to call them “Running Wild Shoes” Mom talked about how tacky they were, but Linda wore them anyway. A couple of years ago, after Linda had passed on, she finally bought herself a pair of “Running Wild Shoes” once she realized how good they were for her feet. When I pointed out that she used to make fun of Linda’s shoes she said, “Well, I guess Dummy was right about these shoes after all, but mine are prettier.”
Mom loved Halloween and I have some of the fondest memories of riding with her to neighborhoods far and wide in Southside to trick or treat, to soap store windows and pick out Halloween costumes. She also loved to read horror books and watch horror movies. Stephen King and Patricia Cornwell were two of her favorite authors. I think that she and I watched Cujo and Carrie when I was about nine or ten years old. I will never look at St. Bernard’s or Prom queens the same again!
Mom also liked to fish off our old pontoon boat which my friends and I called “the blue ghost”. My parents bought this old boat just for fishing, and it didn’t have the most reliable engine on it. One time, my friends and I were with her on the boat when we broke down about a mile or so outside of our sloo. First mom made us find some paddles and paddle our way in. When this wasn’t fast enough, she made me put a life jacket on, and tie a ski rope around my waist. Then I had to jump in and swim us into the sloo. All the while mom was fishing off the side of the boat singing, “Rolling down the River”.
During the past two years of mom’s life she became very weak. It would take her so long to get ready to go anywhere that she just stopped going anywhere all together. I never understood what in the world could be so hard about getting dressed and getting in the car until she explained her getting ready process to me. Evidently she could not bear to see ANYONE inside or outside her home without her “face” on and her hair curled. This dressing routine normally consisted of an hour and half worth of fixing herself up with coffee breaks in between. When I tried to tell mom that she didn’t need to worry about makeup or her hair when I brought the boys over to see her, that we were just her family, she said, “Well, I’ve got to at least have on lipstick and my hair fixed.” She never left her house without lipstick.
All of these characteristics made my mom a great Nana to Tucker and Connor. She always made sure that they had fun when they were with her and was constantly buying them gifts and chocolate. If fact, when Tucker was smaller we would meet Nana for dinner in Trussville, and then go to Target. While at Target Nana would always buy Tucker a toy. She also brought Tucker a toy each time we saw her, and then did the same for Connor. This was a hard tradition to break with those boys!
My mom was a difficult woman at times. She was the most stubborn, hard headed person I have ever known, and unfortunately she passed that trait along to my youngest son Connor. She would bite your head off one minute, and love on you the next. I guess this is why all of the nurses in the hospitals seemed to love her so much. She was fierce, but somehow she always made people aware that she wasn’t as bad as she seemed. I will miss her laugh, her smile, and the way that she picked on everyone from her family, her friends, to the ambulance drivers, the nurses and even the doctors. She was endearing in her own special way. She and I had some rough moments just like any other mother/daughter will have. Sometimes were harder than others. However, there is a strong bond between a mother and her child, you may crack that bond over time, but you will never, ever be able to sever it completely. Those cracks will heal, and a fresh path will be laid on top. This new life without her is my fresh path, and I know that everyday as I walk down it, I will have an angel by my side.
I love you momma, this is not good bye, but a “I’ll see you soon”
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Mom's memorial service
Today we held a memorial service for my mom. I gave a Eulogy which I will post to this blog.
I have been reading about grief, and the loss of a loved one and one component of this loss is that you feel a void somewhere inside you. I feel this void, although I can't quite explain it. It is as if I have a piece of my brain missing, or a spot in my stomach that is ripped away. It is an emptiness that is for certain, and I do not know how long it will take to grow accustomed to this sensation.
The service for mom was beautiful. She wanted to be cremated, and had told me this on our last visit together at the Assisted Living facility last Wednesday night. At the time I just waived her off, but she was serious. I never wanted to talk "end of life" talks with her because I had a deep dread that it was going to be the end sooner than I wanted it to be. This memory came to me loud and clear as my dad and I were "shopping" for coffins at the funeral home yesterday. I was looking at the type of coffin that mom could afford with her burial policy, and quite frankly they were not up to her standard. Now I know that she is no longer in her body and would really have no idea that she was in a nice coffin or a crappy coffin. However, out of respect to her, I felt guilty placing her in a sub par coffin. As I studied the different cheaper option coffins I glanced against the wall at the urns and walked over to them. My mom's voice rang in my head like a bull horn, and the conversation came back to me as if she were standing next to me. I looked at the prices of cremation, and it was dramatically different from those of the regular burials. She had not wanted an open casket, our family cemetery did not have room for a graveside service, so allot of those burial packages that didn't fit my budget, also did not fit my needs. After telling my dad about the conversation that mom and I had about cremation he simply said, "If that is what she wanted, that is what you should do".
My aunt Net didn't take this news well, and it was the first time our family has experienced a non viewing/cremation ceremony. It was actually kind of awkward at first. The urn was on a table in front of the room, with the pictures that I had brought of mom and my boys displayed around it. Mom's two best friends from childhood sent the most gorgeous spray of flowers you have ever seen and it was next to the table with the urn. On the other side, another equally beautiful display of flowers from my husbands sweet, sweet friends was displayed. Then there were several beautiful bouquets of flowers that friends had sent. I had asked that in lieu of flowers people send a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in my mom's honor. This is my favorite charity, and one that my sorority had been associated with. I realized on the way to the service that my decision may have left the chapel void of flowers, but it was simple Adan beautiful with the ones that were there. I think that mom would have been pleased, she always said that real flowers die to quickly. I myself think that dead flowers are depressing.
My mom's minister, Brother Phillip Ellen from Cross Point Baptist church presided over the ceremony and gave a wonderful sermon that lifted my heart. I also read my eulogy which I hope lightened the mood a little bit because if anything Ann Tucker was, she was a character!
Tucker, bless his heart, had a very hard time and kept asking to look at the picture of my mom inside the locket around my neck. He wept so hard, I wanted to wrap my arms around him but that would have made me cry harder and I needed to stay strong for him. I have wept privately over the past few days, more so on Friday when I saw my mom in the CCU at Riverview and knew that she was going to die if not that day, then very soon. Since then I wept at her house when I opened her closet door and saw the clothes that I can imagine her wearing, or remember when she wore them. I smelled the nasty cigarette smoke smell that still makes me cringe, but also brought back my memory of her.
These are the only times I have wept. I believe that this has all either not sunk in yet, or my faith in God and Heaven is so strong that the prayer for peace from my Friends is working a miracle inside me, holding me together.
"These times are meant to try men's souls" James Hetfield.
Tomorrow will be a day of rest and relaxation to get ready for Christmas eve. I am genuinely excited about Christmas now, because I no longer have to worry about mom being stuck in a hospital by herself on Christmas morning, or at the assisted living by herself on Christmas morning, or the worst,that she would die on Christmas morning. I fell as though in a way her passing is her present to me. She knew that I was worn out and worn down mentally and physically from the hospital trips and the worry over who would stay with her. The fact that I had found her almost dead twice also weighed heavily on me. Though with all of these small comforts comes the reality that I will never hear her voice again, be able to wrap her up in a hug, tell her I love her, kiss her cheek, call in the night just to talk, or tell her stories about what Tucker and Connor have done. All of those things I will miss so much, and I realize that it is the "missing" piece inside of me, this missing piece being my relationship with my mother is suddenly gone. This missing piece, is the void in my new life with out her.
I know she is happier now and that she is going to spend Christmas in the best place you could ever imagine. With the birthday boy, Jesus Christ the Lord!!
I have been reading about grief, and the loss of a loved one and one component of this loss is that you feel a void somewhere inside you. I feel this void, although I can't quite explain it. It is as if I have a piece of my brain missing, or a spot in my stomach that is ripped away. It is an emptiness that is for certain, and I do not know how long it will take to grow accustomed to this sensation.
The service for mom was beautiful. She wanted to be cremated, and had told me this on our last visit together at the Assisted Living facility last Wednesday night. At the time I just waived her off, but she was serious. I never wanted to talk "end of life" talks with her because I had a deep dread that it was going to be the end sooner than I wanted it to be. This memory came to me loud and clear as my dad and I were "shopping" for coffins at the funeral home yesterday. I was looking at the type of coffin that mom could afford with her burial policy, and quite frankly they were not up to her standard. Now I know that she is no longer in her body and would really have no idea that she was in a nice coffin or a crappy coffin. However, out of respect to her, I felt guilty placing her in a sub par coffin. As I studied the different cheaper option coffins I glanced against the wall at the urns and walked over to them. My mom's voice rang in my head like a bull horn, and the conversation came back to me as if she were standing next to me. I looked at the prices of cremation, and it was dramatically different from those of the regular burials. She had not wanted an open casket, our family cemetery did not have room for a graveside service, so allot of those burial packages that didn't fit my budget, also did not fit my needs. After telling my dad about the conversation that mom and I had about cremation he simply said, "If that is what she wanted, that is what you should do".
My aunt Net didn't take this news well, and it was the first time our family has experienced a non viewing/cremation ceremony. It was actually kind of awkward at first. The urn was on a table in front of the room, with the pictures that I had brought of mom and my boys displayed around it. Mom's two best friends from childhood sent the most gorgeous spray of flowers you have ever seen and it was next to the table with the urn. On the other side, another equally beautiful display of flowers from my husbands sweet, sweet friends was displayed. Then there were several beautiful bouquets of flowers that friends had sent. I had asked that in lieu of flowers people send a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in my mom's honor. This is my favorite charity, and one that my sorority had been associated with. I realized on the way to the service that my decision may have left the chapel void of flowers, but it was simple Adan beautiful with the ones that were there. I think that mom would have been pleased, she always said that real flowers die to quickly. I myself think that dead flowers are depressing.
My mom's minister, Brother Phillip Ellen from Cross Point Baptist church presided over the ceremony and gave a wonderful sermon that lifted my heart. I also read my eulogy which I hope lightened the mood a little bit because if anything Ann Tucker was, she was a character!
Tucker, bless his heart, had a very hard time and kept asking to look at the picture of my mom inside the locket around my neck. He wept so hard, I wanted to wrap my arms around him but that would have made me cry harder and I needed to stay strong for him. I have wept privately over the past few days, more so on Friday when I saw my mom in the CCU at Riverview and knew that she was going to die if not that day, then very soon. Since then I wept at her house when I opened her closet door and saw the clothes that I can imagine her wearing, or remember when she wore them. I smelled the nasty cigarette smoke smell that still makes me cringe, but also brought back my memory of her.
These are the only times I have wept. I believe that this has all either not sunk in yet, or my faith in God and Heaven is so strong that the prayer for peace from my Friends is working a miracle inside me, holding me together.
"These times are meant to try men's souls" James Hetfield.
Tomorrow will be a day of rest and relaxation to get ready for Christmas eve. I am genuinely excited about Christmas now, because I no longer have to worry about mom being stuck in a hospital by herself on Christmas morning, or at the assisted living by herself on Christmas morning, or the worst,that she would die on Christmas morning. I fell as though in a way her passing is her present to me. She knew that I was worn out and worn down mentally and physically from the hospital trips and the worry over who would stay with her. The fact that I had found her almost dead twice also weighed heavily on me. Though with all of these small comforts comes the reality that I will never hear her voice again, be able to wrap her up in a hug, tell her I love her, kiss her cheek, call in the night just to talk, or tell her stories about what Tucker and Connor have done. All of those things I will miss so much, and I realize that it is the "missing" piece inside of me, this missing piece being my relationship with my mother is suddenly gone. This missing piece, is the void in my new life with out her.
I know she is happier now and that she is going to spend Christmas in the best place you could ever imagine. With the birthday boy, Jesus Christ the Lord!!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
For Mom
Fly away fly away soul. Don't be left behind in this blackened hold.
Rise toward the light that you feel, and leave a trail to be revealed;
to me when my time comes to fly.
After you leave this sinful den.
I will miss your laugh, your voice, my friend.
It has been a hard road to reach the end.
Now that we are here, I don't want to let go,
even though you left me so long, long ago.
Memories are God's gifts to remind of us of chances to get along.
To be together, on this road that was so long.
As is the design, we will not remember the good,
only the bad while we tread this sodden road,
with holes and mud to mire us down.
When you glimpse the streets of gold,
My prayer for you is to remember the times of bliss.
With the man of your dreams, your soulmate, your friend.
Remember the child that you created together, and how you loved her so.
She was surrounded by Jesus, he held her as she cried in the night
over your illness, over the fights.
He held her when she watched you fall,
slump down into the abyss that was filled with alcohol.
He carried her when she heard your lungs exploding inside your chest,
He covered her ears with his voice,
And whispered dreams of love and happiness
Into her mind until she felt his peace
When you could not He could.
When you cared not, He would.
She is a child of God, a blessing born
to two people and one who has shorn
Her love of the child of which she bore.
In your wake, you leave her drowining.
In her own mistakes,her mistrust, her branding.
She is a fighter, a commander until the end
She will raise the troops to rally against
the Traitor who took you in
Her children will know you
But the truth shall not be revealed
For to darken your image to the innocent would be unjust
You had a chance, just like the rest
You chose not to take it, instead to test
The boundaries our Maker put in place
To keep His children from falling out of pace
With His flock, who would live and love Him
Without disgrace.
Forgiveness is His, and His alone,
for He sits in final judgment of all of us.
For you he should feel pity
Because You did not have it in you, to turn away
From the beast that stalked you every day.
Your daughter you see, will rise above.
She will uphold the measures He gave her
Though there will be stumbles along her path
She will not let them obscure her mission
To please Him and raise her chilren to do the same.
For when you couldn't and weren't there,
He was and He will be past the end.
He gave her to you, and from you he will take her back.
He will heal the hurt and patch the wounds.
The scars will remain,
His voice will soften them into a distant memory.
So, Fly away, imbittered soul.
Your journey here has come to a close.
What awaits for you is better than
Anything on this earth that you could ever plan.
Feel His peace, His comfort, His love
Let yourself be engulfed by his embrace
Leave this place
So that we can see you again in the end.
Rise toward the light that you feel, and leave a trail to be revealed;
to me when my time comes to fly.
After you leave this sinful den.
I will miss your laugh, your voice, my friend.
It has been a hard road to reach the end.
Now that we are here, I don't want to let go,
even though you left me so long, long ago.
Memories are God's gifts to remind of us of chances to get along.
To be together, on this road that was so long.
As is the design, we will not remember the good,
only the bad while we tread this sodden road,
with holes and mud to mire us down.
When you glimpse the streets of gold,
My prayer for you is to remember the times of bliss.
With the man of your dreams, your soulmate, your friend.
Remember the child that you created together, and how you loved her so.
She was surrounded by Jesus, he held her as she cried in the night
over your illness, over the fights.
He held her when she watched you fall,
slump down into the abyss that was filled with alcohol.
He carried her when she heard your lungs exploding inside your chest,
He covered her ears with his voice,
And whispered dreams of love and happiness
Into her mind until she felt his peace
When you could not He could.
When you cared not, He would.
She is a child of God, a blessing born
to two people and one who has shorn
Her love of the child of which she bore.
In your wake, you leave her drowining.
In her own mistakes,her mistrust, her branding.
She is a fighter, a commander until the end
She will raise the troops to rally against
the Traitor who took you in
Her children will know you
But the truth shall not be revealed
For to darken your image to the innocent would be unjust
You had a chance, just like the rest
You chose not to take it, instead to test
The boundaries our Maker put in place
To keep His children from falling out of pace
With His flock, who would live and love Him
Without disgrace.
Forgiveness is His, and His alone,
for He sits in final judgment of all of us.
For you he should feel pity
Because You did not have it in you, to turn away
From the beast that stalked you every day.
Your daughter you see, will rise above.
She will uphold the measures He gave her
Though there will be stumbles along her path
She will not let them obscure her mission
To please Him and raise her chilren to do the same.
For when you couldn't and weren't there,
He was and He will be past the end.
He gave her to you, and from you he will take her back.
He will heal the hurt and patch the wounds.
The scars will remain,
His voice will soften them into a distant memory.
So, Fly away, imbittered soul.
Your journey here has come to a close.
What awaits for you is better than
Anything on this earth that you could ever plan.
Feel His peace, His comfort, His love
Let yourself be engulfed by his embrace
Leave this place
So that we can see you again in the end.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Bouncing
Do you believe in luck or Divine intervention? I think that they are one in the same. Nothing happens on this Earth without God’s knowledge. Some things are obviously the work of the Devil and the influence that he has over us if we let him into our minds. However, I believe that when God gave us free will, he opened a door that we are able to close in the face of evil if we will do to so.
This week has been a week from hell so far. Don’t get me wrong, I realize it could be much worse and I am very thankful that it isn’t.
So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball? Roll with it I guess. How far can you roll before you just fall off the table? I guess at that point you would just have to bounce around until you became still and pray that it is a good spot.
This week has been a week from hell so far. Don’t get me wrong, I realize it could be much worse and I am very thankful that it isn’t.
So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball? Roll with it I guess. How far can you roll before you just fall off the table? I guess at that point you would just have to bounce around until you became still and pray that it is a good spot.
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