We took the boys to the cirucs today. It was Connor's first circus and Tucker's 6th! Brad and I were anxious as to whether or not Connor would like it. As soon as the first clowns appeared he started cackling and pointing at them all. Tucker would lean over and say, "Look at him!" Or "He just dropped that ball!" and they would laugh together. Watching the two of them together at the circus was neat. We had taken Tucker to the circus since he was two, and it had always been just the three of us. So to watch both of my children enjoying the circus at the same time, was very enlightening.
Growing up an only child, I always wished for a brother or sister. I would dream of one of the older girls at school being my big sister. Or one of the cute older boys being my big brother and my protector. Most people would think that is silly, but being an only child can be lonely. Watching my two children tonight enjoying the circus together made me even more aware of how very blessed they are to have each other. This is yet another one of those little life lessons that God has taught me. By not growing up with a sibling, I knew that I wanted to make sure that my son or daughter would not grow up as an only child. Seeing those sweet boys, who have the same smiles, the same expressions, and the same precious laugh; confirmed to me that once again God took me through something only to make me a better person with a broader outlook on the other side.
After the circus I went to dinner with my sweet friends from church. We had a great time laughing and sharing about our kids and our lives. I am so glad to have found our church. It has been such a good place for both Brad and I. We feel accepted and liked there, and when we leave each Sunday I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the world head on thanks to our wonderful pastor. On the way home, I had the urge to call mom and tell her about my night. She was a night owl, like myself, and I could always call her at night. I would normally call her on the way home from dinner with friends, or any other time I was in the car without the kids. She slept until 3:00 in the afternoon because she had no energy, so nighttime was the best time to call her. Of course I broke down after this urge to call her hit me. I don't know why, but I can't seem to cry about losing her anywhere but in my car. Maybe it's the music or the fact that in the car was when I would usually talk to her. Whatever the case, I had a good cry tonight and then went through her purse that is still downstairs. I can't bring myself to bring it upstairs for some reason. As I was sitting there crying I became thankful that I was not dependant on mom. I became thankful that we did not have a closer relationship than what we had. I realized that if mom and I had the same kind of mother/daughter relationship that I have envied my friends as having with thier mother's, I would probably not be able to function for my grief right now.
For the first time I can see the reason for my childhood. God has a plan for all of us. When we suffer, we question why He would let us suffer as He does. We ask what we could have done to deserve what has happened to us, or what we have missed out on. For twenty years I have been torn up inside over not having the type of mother who took care of your every need. A mother who would rush to your aide, even as an adult, when you needed her. A mother who went shopping with you, took you to get your nails done, gave you advice on how to raise your children, and who helped lead you to God in your childhood. I think that God has revealed why the mother I had longed for, was not to be mine, tonight. If she had been more than what she was, and if I had needed her more than she needed me, I would be completely devestated right now. God reveals everything in His time. This revelation has taken twenty years, and the loss of my mother to be understood by me. The wait was worth it, I feel more at peace. God is good, all of the time, all of the time.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Words
I have stolen a quote from a friend by the name of Pendragon. I had to post it today.
"A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged; it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used." – Olive Wendell Holmes Jr.
Many of you who have read my blog will remember the night that I struggled over my mother's hard words and I quoted "Some words when spoken, can't be taken back" courtesy of Eddie Vedder. The quote above only lends validity to Vedder's lyric, as well as my feelings toward the spoken word.
Let this be a reminder today to choose our words wisely, for once a syllable is uttered, it can morph into a monster to those who hear it.
Happy Wednesday!!
"A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged; it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used." – Olive Wendell Holmes Jr.
Many of you who have read my blog will remember the night that I struggled over my mother's hard words and I quoted "Some words when spoken, can't be taken back" courtesy of Eddie Vedder. The quote above only lends validity to Vedder's lyric, as well as my feelings toward the spoken word.
Let this be a reminder today to choose our words wisely, for once a syllable is uttered, it can morph into a monster to those who hear it.
Happy Wednesday!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Praise
It seems as though I decided to throw myself a great big pity party a month ago and it is all the rage, for me that is. This party, which consists of lethargic periods of time where I do nothing but sit and stare at my children, or the t.v., or a book that I'm not really reading. There is food in abundance at this party, most of which contain too much sugar and fat. Finally, there is the late night dances where I toss and turn, willing myself to stay awake so that I don't have to dream. The party is decorated with a thick fog that I seem to swim through on a daily basis.
I'm not sure how normal people grieve the loss of a loved one, but I am pretty sure that I am not doing a great job of it. My body seems to be shutting down on me due in part to this endless pity party that I am throwing for myself. I have a fractured foot, a cold that will not seem to go away, and I am an "Ill Bill" twelve of the twenty four hours a day.
On Saturday I woke up in a fog, as usual, with my first thoughts being of my mom. Connor, my peristent 3 year old had woken me up at his usual wake up time of 6:30 a.m.. As I walked down the hall, holding him in my arms, and descended the stairs, with his sweet head on my shoulder the Doxology popped into my mind.
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye Heavenly Host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen
Where in the world had these words come from? It was then that I realized that instead of having pity for myself, I needed to be praising God for the blessings that I still had with me. One of which is my sweet children, both Tucker and Connor are the most precious blessings God could ever have sent me.
Pity comes from the enemy, Praise from the Holy Spirit. If we let ourselves fall into a state of despair, we are giving into the enemy. I for one am shutting down this stupid party. It has cost me too much precious time as it is. From this day forward, I will promote a fun filled, lift the roof, sing like I'm in the shower, Praise party!! Anyone is invited, and we can all imbibe in our blessings together!!
In His hands,
April
I'm not sure how normal people grieve the loss of a loved one, but I am pretty sure that I am not doing a great job of it. My body seems to be shutting down on me due in part to this endless pity party that I am throwing for myself. I have a fractured foot, a cold that will not seem to go away, and I am an "Ill Bill" twelve of the twenty four hours a day.
On Saturday I woke up in a fog, as usual, with my first thoughts being of my mom. Connor, my peristent 3 year old had woken me up at his usual wake up time of 6:30 a.m.. As I walked down the hall, holding him in my arms, and descended the stairs, with his sweet head on my shoulder the Doxology popped into my mind.
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye Heavenly Host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen
Where in the world had these words come from? It was then that I realized that instead of having pity for myself, I needed to be praising God for the blessings that I still had with me. One of which is my sweet children, both Tucker and Connor are the most precious blessings God could ever have sent me.
Pity comes from the enemy, Praise from the Holy Spirit. If we let ourselves fall into a state of despair, we are giving into the enemy. I for one am shutting down this stupid party. It has cost me too much precious time as it is. From this day forward, I will promote a fun filled, lift the roof, sing like I'm in the shower, Praise party!! Anyone is invited, and we can all imbibe in our blessings together!!
In His hands,
April
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Influences and Inspiration
There is a syndrom called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics". This syndrom applies to any adult who grew up with an alcoholic parent. The syndrome also applies to children of addicts. The common denominator with ACOAs is that each child experienced some degree of mental or physical trauma as a result of thier parent's addiction.
Some alcoholics beat thier loved ones, and fervently apologise for thier abuse when they become sober. Other alcholics mentally abuse thier loved ones and put on an act to show the world that nothing is ever amiss in thier household, which leaves the child to question if they deserved the tongue lashing of the night before, if they are making more of what happened, or just dreamed it all. There are several other horrible occurances that take place inside the walls of homes all over the world and owe thier orgins to alcohol or drugs. Children are weaker, impressionable, vulnerable, and therefore perfect targets.
I was fortunate that my mother never inflicted physical abuse on me. Her abuse was mental in nature and I still suffer wounds that will never heal due to the things that were said to me, or to others about me by my own mother. When she was sober, she loved me and treated me well. Mother became sober in 2000 when her liver shut down, and she was sent out of the hospital on hospice care with only a few months at most left to live. Miraculously her liver regenerated and for about 7 years she was perfectly healthy and never had another drop of alcohol again. She kept smoking of course, but it and coffee were her only vices.
The characteristics of someone who is diagnosed as being an ACOA are as follows:
Adult Children:
...guess at what normal is.
...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
...judge themselves without mercy.
...have difficulty having fun.
...take themselves very seriously.
...have difficulty with intimate relationships.
...overreact to changes over which they have no control.
...constantly seek approval and affirmation.
...feel that they are different from other people.
...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.
As you can see, the habits of a parent greatly affect thier children in ways that will not be discovered until adulthood. I suffer from almost everything on this list as a result of my mom's alcoholism.
My mom and I made our peace, as much as I could make peace anyway. I have no regrets. I believe I loved her as any daughter would. Most importantly I made sure that she felt loved. It was my goal never to let her know how much her drinking had mishappened my life.
Mom was a significant contributer to Celebrate Recovery at CrossPoint Baptist church. I am going to offer to give her testimony for her, because she was too embarassed to give it herself when she was alive. I feel that if these recovering alcoholics, addicts and family members that attend Celebrate Recovery services all over the south can hear my mom's message they will all understand themselves better and see out the Lord after they see what He did for her.
In the ten years that she was sober, she was baptised and was at her church volunteering, attending Bible studies, every Wed. night and Sunday morning she was there. Until she became sick again. See, God gave her ten years, and then he let her body catch up to her actions. He gave her ten years to come back to Him, and then He took her to be with Him. I am eternally grateful to God for saving my momma, so that I will see her again soon.
If you know of a church who has a Celebrate Recovery program in the States of Alabama, Tennesee, Georgia, or Mississippi, please let me know. I am going to devote time to fullfill my mother's legacy, in the hopes of bringing more people to Christ. At the same time, I want to tell this story of fear, torment, and redemption so that mother's and father's who may currently be struggling with an addiction, will realize how much thier addiction will affect thier child. I am hoping that if they listen to my testimony, as well as mother's, they will stop the abuse and focus on thier children.
Some alcoholics beat thier loved ones, and fervently apologise for thier abuse when they become sober. Other alcholics mentally abuse thier loved ones and put on an act to show the world that nothing is ever amiss in thier household, which leaves the child to question if they deserved the tongue lashing of the night before, if they are making more of what happened, or just dreamed it all. There are several other horrible occurances that take place inside the walls of homes all over the world and owe thier orgins to alcohol or drugs. Children are weaker, impressionable, vulnerable, and therefore perfect targets.
I was fortunate that my mother never inflicted physical abuse on me. Her abuse was mental in nature and I still suffer wounds that will never heal due to the things that were said to me, or to others about me by my own mother. When she was sober, she loved me and treated me well. Mother became sober in 2000 when her liver shut down, and she was sent out of the hospital on hospice care with only a few months at most left to live. Miraculously her liver regenerated and for about 7 years she was perfectly healthy and never had another drop of alcohol again. She kept smoking of course, but it and coffee were her only vices.
The characteristics of someone who is diagnosed as being an ACOA are as follows:
Adult Children:
...guess at what normal is.
...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
...judge themselves without mercy.
...have difficulty having fun.
...take themselves very seriously.
...have difficulty with intimate relationships.
...overreact to changes over which they have no control.
...constantly seek approval and affirmation.
...feel that they are different from other people.
...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.
As you can see, the habits of a parent greatly affect thier children in ways that will not be discovered until adulthood. I suffer from almost everything on this list as a result of my mom's alcoholism.
My mom and I made our peace, as much as I could make peace anyway. I have no regrets. I believe I loved her as any daughter would. Most importantly I made sure that she felt loved. It was my goal never to let her know how much her drinking had mishappened my life.
Mom was a significant contributer to Celebrate Recovery at CrossPoint Baptist church. I am going to offer to give her testimony for her, because she was too embarassed to give it herself when she was alive. I feel that if these recovering alcoholics, addicts and family members that attend Celebrate Recovery services all over the south can hear my mom's message they will all understand themselves better and see out the Lord after they see what He did for her.
In the ten years that she was sober, she was baptised and was at her church volunteering, attending Bible studies, every Wed. night and Sunday morning she was there. Until she became sick again. See, God gave her ten years, and then he let her body catch up to her actions. He gave her ten years to come back to Him, and then He took her to be with Him. I am eternally grateful to God for saving my momma, so that I will see her again soon.
If you know of a church who has a Celebrate Recovery program in the States of Alabama, Tennesee, Georgia, or Mississippi, please let me know. I am going to devote time to fullfill my mother's legacy, in the hopes of bringing more people to Christ. At the same time, I want to tell this story of fear, torment, and redemption so that mother's and father's who may currently be struggling with an addiction, will realize how much thier addiction will affect thier child. I am hoping that if they listen to my testimony, as well as mother's, they will stop the abuse and focus on thier children.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Compartments
Have you ever tried to reorganize a drawer, a closet or your desk at work? When you are in an act of reorganization you tend to devise compartments for items to be stored in. I believe that we do the same thing with our minds. There are different compartments inside our minds reserved for memories. My mind contains a Pandora's box, and I am afraid that opening it will cause destruction to myself and others. In this box I believe I have thrown all of the memories and images of my mom's last days on Earth. For some reason, these images try to escape the box when I need them to stay put. For instance, when I lay down to sleep, I remember her being sick in her bed, and trying to get her to the hospital. When I am in the shower, I remember how skinny she had become, resembling a holocaust survivor, and how I loathed touching her back for feeling her bones. I also remember the final time I saw her, in the funeral home when the mortician called me back to identify her body.
These images creep out of their compartment and I quickly shove them back inside. There are other compartments inside this box where I can remember the sounds of her cough, which would make me wince and want to run away from the sound. I can remember that hacking cough from the age of 8 until I left for college. To this day, if I hear a "smoker's cough" it makes me want to curl up into a ball. Other images and memories inside this box include tender ones, her smile, her laugh, and the love she showed to her grandsons.
I want to lock this box up and throw it deep inside my subconscious so that I can keep the hurt away. I attempt to do this every time a memory creeps to the surface. My mind has learned to quickly move on from the memory, a defense mechanism I have subconsciously devised over the years to stay sane. I have never had to rely on alcohol to lock the memories away, but the past two years I have had to start taking sleeping meds to keep the dreams away and to allow me to sleep at all. For it is in the silence of the night that sorrow can creep under the covers and wrap its arms around me so that I feel lost in its grip.
My greatest fear for myself is that one day this Pandora's box will open, and there will be nothing that I can do to close it.
These images creep out of their compartment and I quickly shove them back inside. There are other compartments inside this box where I can remember the sounds of her cough, which would make me wince and want to run away from the sound. I can remember that hacking cough from the age of 8 until I left for college. To this day, if I hear a "smoker's cough" it makes me want to curl up into a ball. Other images and memories inside this box include tender ones, her smile, her laugh, and the love she showed to her grandsons.
I want to lock this box up and throw it deep inside my subconscious so that I can keep the hurt away. I attempt to do this every time a memory creeps to the surface. My mind has learned to quickly move on from the memory, a defense mechanism I have subconsciously devised over the years to stay sane. I have never had to rely on alcohol to lock the memories away, but the past two years I have had to start taking sleeping meds to keep the dreams away and to allow me to sleep at all. For it is in the silence of the night that sorrow can creep under the covers and wrap its arms around me so that I feel lost in its grip.
My greatest fear for myself is that one day this Pandora's box will open, and there will be nothing that I can do to close it.
Friday, January 14, 2011
In Retrospect
A winter storm blew in from the west and knocked the pants off the south. There have been schools cancelled for a week in some places but where we live, we had one day out of school and two days of reporting to school at 10:00 am.
These few extra hours with my children and my husband reminded me of the blessings that are abudant in this life.
The week started off well and got even better. Brad gave me a wonderful anniversary night surprise with flowers, a card, and by renting a movie I had been wanting to see. Simple but precious gifts from a sweet man trying his best to make me happy, and he did!!
Reflecting on my marriage, and how happy and blessed I am has made me think about my parents marriage. I remember that my mom would get upset with my dad if he didn't give her an expensive piece of jewelry for every anniversary. If dad didn't come through with some sort of diamond, she would pout and be mad at him for days, weeks, months on end. I learned by watching her that when you expect things to be given to you because you feel entitled to them, you do not deserve anything but pity. It is a person who can look at the tiniest of gestures and see the love and kindness that the gesture itself represents. I learned many lessons by watching my mom go through her life. Here are a few things that I picked up on along our journey together:
1. Take nothing, and no one for granted. No one wants to do something for you out of guilt, they want to do it because they love you. If you guilt someone into doing something for you, the only thing you get in return is neglect.
2. Never hold grudges. Forgive and forget.
3. Focus on the positive. If everything in life is making you miserable, then maybe is actually you who are miserable with yourself. Misery loves company, but Happiness and Misery do not get along.
4. People do not have time to hold your hand and help you do everything in life. If you want something changed, DO IT! If you have a problem, FIND A WAY TO FIX IT!, If you have a question, ASK SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Going on and on for months about mundane things that could be taken care of in a matter of minutes is exhausting for you and everyone around you.
5. Cherish the ones who love you. Treat them with respect and love at all times, even whe you are frustrated. Never, ever make them doubt your love for them. Lift them up, praise them, focus on thier attributes, and by all means, forget about the negative in a person.
6. Vanity is one of the seven deadly sins.
7. Make a promise, keep it. Never tell a child you will do something and then not follow through.
8. Love, love, love your husband. If you have a man who loves you, love him back. Treat him with respect and tell him thank you for all that he does or has done for you and your children.
9. Never lash out in anger with words filled with hate. Once a word is spoken, you can never take it back.
10. Put others above yourself. Always show gratitude and fortitude.
11. Be thankful, for everything you get in this life!! From the sunshine coming in your windows in the morning, to the sound of your child's laughter or your husband's snore. Be thankful that you can see and hear those things for those are your blessings from God. If you don't pay attention, you will miss all that God has in store for you.
Thank you mom for giving me these life lessons, though they are all things that I believe you never understood. I look at my life, and know that I had to get to this time in my life, by leaving my past with you behind. Washing away all of the hurt, anger, and frustration has helped clean the slate and I can truly see what was meant to be good again.
Happy New Year! 2011 you WILL be good to me!
These few extra hours with my children and my husband reminded me of the blessings that are abudant in this life.
The week started off well and got even better. Brad gave me a wonderful anniversary night surprise with flowers, a card, and by renting a movie I had been wanting to see. Simple but precious gifts from a sweet man trying his best to make me happy, and he did!!
Reflecting on my marriage, and how happy and blessed I am has made me think about my parents marriage. I remember that my mom would get upset with my dad if he didn't give her an expensive piece of jewelry for every anniversary. If dad didn't come through with some sort of diamond, she would pout and be mad at him for days, weeks, months on end. I learned by watching her that when you expect things to be given to you because you feel entitled to them, you do not deserve anything but pity. It is a person who can look at the tiniest of gestures and see the love and kindness that the gesture itself represents. I learned many lessons by watching my mom go through her life. Here are a few things that I picked up on along our journey together:
1. Take nothing, and no one for granted. No one wants to do something for you out of guilt, they want to do it because they love you. If you guilt someone into doing something for you, the only thing you get in return is neglect.
2. Never hold grudges. Forgive and forget.
3. Focus on the positive. If everything in life is making you miserable, then maybe is actually you who are miserable with yourself. Misery loves company, but Happiness and Misery do not get along.
4. People do not have time to hold your hand and help you do everything in life. If you want something changed, DO IT! If you have a problem, FIND A WAY TO FIX IT!, If you have a question, ASK SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Going on and on for months about mundane things that could be taken care of in a matter of minutes is exhausting for you and everyone around you.
5. Cherish the ones who love you. Treat them with respect and love at all times, even whe you are frustrated. Never, ever make them doubt your love for them. Lift them up, praise them, focus on thier attributes, and by all means, forget about the negative in a person.
6. Vanity is one of the seven deadly sins.
7. Make a promise, keep it. Never tell a child you will do something and then not follow through.
8. Love, love, love your husband. If you have a man who loves you, love him back. Treat him with respect and tell him thank you for all that he does or has done for you and your children.
9. Never lash out in anger with words filled with hate. Once a word is spoken, you can never take it back.
10. Put others above yourself. Always show gratitude and fortitude.
11. Be thankful, for everything you get in this life!! From the sunshine coming in your windows in the morning, to the sound of your child's laughter or your husband's snore. Be thankful that you can see and hear those things for those are your blessings from God. If you don't pay attention, you will miss all that God has in store for you.
Thank you mom for giving me these life lessons, though they are all things that I believe you never understood. I look at my life, and know that I had to get to this time in my life, by leaving my past with you behind. Washing away all of the hurt, anger, and frustration has helped clean the slate and I can truly see what was meant to be good again.
Happy New Year! 2011 you WILL be good to me!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
After the Dust Settles
There is a catch phrase that came to mind tonight as I tried to figure out what has happened to me over the past few days. That phrase is "After the dust settles" and it is very poignant to me right now. Mom died five days before Christmas, her funeral was two days before Christmas. I was picking up wrapping paper the day after Christmas and she had only been gone for one week. Then, Brad and I took a trip to Jacksonville, FL to watch Mississippi State play in the Gator Bowl and hang out with our friends. We returned on Sunday, precisely two weeks after my mom died. For the entire 7 hour ride back to town I was uneasy, and blamed it on imbibing too much on New Year's eve. However Tuesday afternoon I began to feel nauseous and was up all night with what I thought was a stomach virus. It is Wednesday and I am still not feeling up to par. Am I sick from a stomach virus, or is this the grief I have kept pent up inside for two weeks, exhibiting itself as a sickness?
Either way, I know one thing for sure, and that I am extremely sad. Monday morning I woke up feeling the reality that I would never be able to talk to my mom again. This realization has hit me with brute force and I have been morose for three days now. It is just like the catch phrase says, once the dust settles, you will be able to view the damage for what it is. The dust has settled and I am left with a feeling I can only describe as darkness. It comes in waves of rage, anger directed at my mother for not taking care of herself and not listening to the doctors. Rage at myself for not making her quit smoking, and for not taking the boys to see her more, (even though Tucker was so allergic to her house because of the cats that the longest that he could stay there was two hours). After the rage left me, I felt and still feel, lost. My mother was not the most maternal woman in this world. I was more of a mother to her than she was to me, a sad but true fact. However, she was always a phone call away, and she was a good listener. She didn't give the best advice, because she had not lived her life in a way that I am determined to live mine. All that aside, she was still there when I needed to vent about my mother in law, or my co-workers,money, etc. Our conversations were always double sided, she would listen to me and I would listen to her. I can say that I don't miss the worry that came over me as she told me how bad she felt every day and how she wished that she could just "die and get it over with".
Connor, my 3 1/2 year old turned into my counselor tonight. It is amazing how God can send a message to you through anyone. Connor and I were in Tucker's room playing and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad, that I missed Nana. He said, "I miss Nana too. I don't know why God needed an angel, but she's an angel now and I miss her." I told him that it made me sad not to be able to talk to her anymore and he said, "Don't worry about it mommy, you can see her again." Thinking that he obviously didn't grasp the concept of Heaven I said, "How can I see her again?" Connor looked at me very seriously, then walked up to me and put his finger on my forehead and said, "Nana is in here" tapping at my head, "And all you have to do to see her is to dream." Then he went on to tell me how he had wished on a star for God to let him see Nana again and that night he had a dream about her. I stared at him and asked him what Nana was doing when he saw her. He said, "She was in her house and she talked to me and told me that she wanted me to come see her again soon." Then he told me that he hasn't dreamt about her again since the other night but that if I were to ask God to let me see her in a dream that God would send her to me.
How great is our God? To allow His intentions to be understood so well by a toddler, and in such terms that this sweet child can soothe his grown mother by repeating what God had placed in his little heart? Then, Connor told me he wanted me to wish on a star and talk to God right then. So he turned off the lights and turned on the little nightlight that is in their room that displays moons and stars on the ceiling. I closed my eyes and started to pray silently when he said, "Wish on it Mommy!" and I said, "Out loud?" and he said, "Yes, so God can hear you!" and so I said, "God please send Nana to me in a dream so that I can tell her how much I love and miss her." After that Connor turned on the lights and said very nonchalantly, "See, that's all you have to do. Now let's play."
That's right little man, let's play.
Either way, I know one thing for sure, and that I am extremely sad. Monday morning I woke up feeling the reality that I would never be able to talk to my mom again. This realization has hit me with brute force and I have been morose for three days now. It is just like the catch phrase says, once the dust settles, you will be able to view the damage for what it is. The dust has settled and I am left with a feeling I can only describe as darkness. It comes in waves of rage, anger directed at my mother for not taking care of herself and not listening to the doctors. Rage at myself for not making her quit smoking, and for not taking the boys to see her more, (even though Tucker was so allergic to her house because of the cats that the longest that he could stay there was two hours). After the rage left me, I felt and still feel, lost. My mother was not the most maternal woman in this world. I was more of a mother to her than she was to me, a sad but true fact. However, she was always a phone call away, and she was a good listener. She didn't give the best advice, because she had not lived her life in a way that I am determined to live mine. All that aside, she was still there when I needed to vent about my mother in law, or my co-workers,money, etc. Our conversations were always double sided, she would listen to me and I would listen to her. I can say that I don't miss the worry that came over me as she told me how bad she felt every day and how she wished that she could just "die and get it over with".
Connor, my 3 1/2 year old turned into my counselor tonight. It is amazing how God can send a message to you through anyone. Connor and I were in Tucker's room playing and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad, that I missed Nana. He said, "I miss Nana too. I don't know why God needed an angel, but she's an angel now and I miss her." I told him that it made me sad not to be able to talk to her anymore and he said, "Don't worry about it mommy, you can see her again." Thinking that he obviously didn't grasp the concept of Heaven I said, "How can I see her again?" Connor looked at me very seriously, then walked up to me and put his finger on my forehead and said, "Nana is in here" tapping at my head, "And all you have to do to see her is to dream." Then he went on to tell me how he had wished on a star for God to let him see Nana again and that night he had a dream about her. I stared at him and asked him what Nana was doing when he saw her. He said, "She was in her house and she talked to me and told me that she wanted me to come see her again soon." Then he told me that he hasn't dreamt about her again since the other night but that if I were to ask God to let me see her in a dream that God would send her to me.
How great is our God? To allow His intentions to be understood so well by a toddler, and in such terms that this sweet child can soothe his grown mother by repeating what God had placed in his little heart? Then, Connor told me he wanted me to wish on a star and talk to God right then. So he turned off the lights and turned on the little nightlight that is in their room that displays moons and stars on the ceiling. I closed my eyes and started to pray silently when he said, "Wish on it Mommy!" and I said, "Out loud?" and he said, "Yes, so God can hear you!" and so I said, "God please send Nana to me in a dream so that I can tell her how much I love and miss her." After that Connor turned on the lights and said very nonchalantly, "See, that's all you have to do. Now let's play."
That's right little man, let's play.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)