Mom's memorial service

Today we held a memorial service for my mom. I gave a Eulogy which I will post to this blog.
I have been reading about grief, and the loss of a loved one and one component of this loss is that you feel a void somewhere inside you. I feel this void, although I can't quite explain it. It is as if I have a piece of my brain missing, or a spot in my stomach that is ripped away. It is an emptiness that is for certain, and I do not know how long it will take to grow accustomed to this sensation.

The service for mom was beautiful. She wanted to be cremated, and had told me this on our last visit together at the Assisted Living facility last Wednesday night. At the time I just waived her off, but she was serious. I never wanted to talk "end of life" talks with her because I had a deep dread that it was going to be the end sooner than I wanted it to be. This memory came to me loud and clear as my dad and I were "shopping" for coffins at the funeral home yesterday. I was looking at the type of coffin that mom could afford with her burial policy, and quite frankly they were not up to her standard. Now I know that she is no longer in her body and would really have no idea that she was in a nice coffin or a crappy coffin. However, out of respect to her, I felt guilty placing her in a sub par coffin. As I studied the different cheaper option coffins I glanced against the wall at the urns and walked over to them. My mom's voice rang in my head like a bull horn, and the conversation came back to me as if she were standing next to me. I looked at the prices of cremation, and it was dramatically different from those of the regular burials. She had not wanted an open casket, our family cemetery did not have room for a graveside service, so allot of those burial packages that didn't fit my budget, also did not fit my needs. After telling my dad about the conversation that mom and I had about cremation he simply said, "If that is what she wanted, that is what you should do".
My aunt Net didn't take this news well, and it was the first time our family has experienced a non viewing/cremation ceremony. It was actually kind of awkward at first. The urn was on a table in front of the room, with the pictures that I had brought of mom and my boys displayed around it. Mom's two best friends from childhood sent the most gorgeous spray of flowers you have ever seen and it was next to the table with the urn. On the other side, another equally beautiful display of flowers from my husbands sweet, sweet friends was displayed. Then there were several beautiful bouquets of flowers that friends had sent. I had asked that in lieu of flowers people send a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in my mom's honor. This is my favorite charity, and one that my sorority had been associated with. I realized on the way to the service that my decision may have left the chapel void of flowers, but it was simple Adan beautiful with the ones that were there. I think that mom would have been pleased, she always said that real flowers die to quickly. I myself think that dead flowers are depressing.
My mom's minister, Brother Phillip Ellen from Cross Point Baptist church presided over the ceremony and gave a wonderful sermon that lifted my heart. I also read my eulogy which I hope lightened the mood a little bit because if anything Ann Tucker was, she was a character!

Tucker, bless his heart, had a very hard time and kept asking to look at the picture of my mom inside the locket around my neck. He wept so hard, I wanted to wrap my arms around him but that would have made me cry harder and I needed to stay strong for him. I have wept privately over the past few days, more so on Friday when I saw my mom in the CCU at Riverview and knew that she was going to die if not that day, then very soon. Since then I wept at her house when I opened her closet door and saw the clothes that I can imagine her wearing, or remember when she wore them. I smelled the nasty cigarette smoke smell that still makes me cringe, but also brought back my memory of her.

These are the only times I have wept. I believe that this has all either not sunk in yet, or my faith in God and Heaven is so strong that the prayer for peace from my Friends is working a miracle inside me, holding me together.

"These times are meant to try men's souls" James Hetfield.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest and relaxation to get ready for Christmas eve. I am genuinely excited about Christmas now, because I no longer have to worry about mom being stuck in a hospital by herself on Christmas morning, or at the assisted living by herself on Christmas morning, or the worst,that she would die on Christmas morning. I fell as though in a way her passing is her present to me. She knew that I was worn out and worn down mentally and physically from the hospital trips and the worry over who would stay with her. The fact that I had found her almost dead twice also weighed heavily on me. Though with all of these small comforts comes the reality that I will never hear her voice again, be able to wrap her up in a hug, tell her I love her, kiss her cheek, call in the night just to talk, or tell her stories about what Tucker and Connor have done. All of those things I will miss so much, and I realize that it is the "missing" piece inside of me, this missing piece being my relationship with my mother is suddenly gone. This missing piece, is the void in my new life with out her.
I know she is happier now and that she is going to spend Christmas in the best place you could ever imagine. With the birthday boy, Jesus Christ the Lord!!