After the Dust Settles

There is a catch phrase that came to mind tonight as I tried to figure out what has happened to me over the past few days. That phrase is "After the dust settles" and it is very poignant to me right now. Mom died five days before Christmas, her funeral was two days before Christmas. I was picking up wrapping paper the day after Christmas and she had only been gone for one week. Then, Brad and I took a trip to Jacksonville, FL to watch Mississippi State play in the Gator Bowl and hang out with our friends. We returned on Sunday, precisely two weeks after my mom died. For the entire 7 hour ride back to town I was uneasy, and blamed it on imbibing too much on New Year's eve. However Tuesday afternoon I began to feel nauseous and was up all night with what I thought was a stomach virus. It is Wednesday and I am still not feeling up to par. Am I sick from a stomach virus, or is this the grief I have kept pent up inside for two weeks, exhibiting itself as a sickness?
Either way, I know one thing for sure, and that I am extremely sad. Monday morning I woke up feeling the reality that I would never be able to talk to my mom again. This realization has hit me with brute force and I have been morose for three days now. It is just like the catch phrase says, once the dust settles, you will be able to view the damage for what it is. The dust has settled and I am left with a feeling I can only describe as darkness. It comes in waves of rage, anger directed at my mother for not taking care of herself and not listening to the doctors. Rage at myself for not making her quit smoking, and for not taking the boys to see her more, (even though Tucker was so allergic to her house because of the cats that the longest that he could stay there was two hours). After the rage left me, I felt and still feel, lost. My mother was not the most maternal woman in this world. I was more of a mother to her than she was to me, a sad but true fact. However, she was always a phone call away, and she was a good listener. She didn't give the best advice, because she had not lived her life in a way that I am determined to live mine. All that aside, she was still there when I needed to vent about my mother in law, or my co-workers,money, etc. Our conversations were always double sided, she would listen to me and I would listen to her. I can say that I don't miss the worry that came over me as she told me how bad she felt every day and how she wished that she could just "die and get it over with".
Connor, my 3 1/2 year old turned into my counselor tonight. It is amazing how God can send a message to you through anyone. Connor and I were in Tucker's room playing and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad, that I missed Nana. He said, "I miss Nana too. I don't know why God needed an angel, but she's an angel now and I miss her." I told him that it made me sad not to be able to talk to her anymore and he said, "Don't worry about it mommy, you can see her again." Thinking that he obviously didn't grasp the concept of Heaven I said, "How can I see her again?" Connor looked at me very seriously, then walked up to me and put his finger on my forehead and said, "Nana is in here" tapping at my head, "And all you have to do to see her is to dream." Then he went on to tell me how he had wished on a star for God to let him see Nana again and that night he had a dream about her. I stared at him and asked him what Nana was doing when he saw her. He said, "She was in her house and she talked to me and told me that she wanted me to come see her again soon." Then he told me that he hasn't dreamt about her again since the other night but that if I were to ask God to let me see her in a dream that God would send her to me.
How great is our God? To allow His intentions to be understood so well by a toddler, and in such terms that this sweet child can soothe his grown mother by repeating what God had placed in his little heart? Then, Connor told me he wanted me to wish on a star and talk to God right then. So he turned off the lights and turned on the little nightlight that is in their room that displays moons and stars on the ceiling. I closed my eyes and started to pray silently when he said, "Wish on it Mommy!" and I said, "Out loud?" and he said, "Yes, so God can hear you!" and so I said, "God please send Nana to me in a dream so that I can tell her how much I love and miss her." After that Connor turned on the lights and said very nonchalantly, "See, that's all you have to do. Now let's play."
That's right little man, let's play.