We took the boys to the cirucs today. It was Connor's first circus and Tucker's 6th! Brad and I were anxious as to whether or not Connor would like it. As soon as the first clowns appeared he started cackling and pointing at them all. Tucker would lean over and say, "Look at him!" Or "He just dropped that ball!" and they would laugh together. Watching the two of them together at the circus was neat. We had taken Tucker to the circus since he was two, and it had always been just the three of us. So to watch both of my children enjoying the circus at the same time, was very enlightening.
Growing up an only child, I always wished for a brother or sister. I would dream of one of the older girls at school being my big sister. Or one of the cute older boys being my big brother and my protector. Most people would think that is silly, but being an only child can be lonely. Watching my two children tonight enjoying the circus together made me even more aware of how very blessed they are to have each other. This is yet another one of those little life lessons that God has taught me. By not growing up with a sibling, I knew that I wanted to make sure that my son or daughter would not grow up as an only child. Seeing those sweet boys, who have the same smiles, the same expressions, and the same precious laugh; confirmed to me that once again God took me through something only to make me a better person with a broader outlook on the other side.
After the circus I went to dinner with my sweet friends from church. We had a great time laughing and sharing about our kids and our lives. I am so glad to have found our church. It has been such a good place for both Brad and I. We feel accepted and liked there, and when we leave each Sunday I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the world head on thanks to our wonderful pastor. On the way home, I had the urge to call mom and tell her about my night. She was a night owl, like myself, and I could always call her at night. I would normally call her on the way home from dinner with friends, or any other time I was in the car without the kids. She slept until 3:00 in the afternoon because she had no energy, so nighttime was the best time to call her. Of course I broke down after this urge to call her hit me. I don't know why, but I can't seem to cry about losing her anywhere but in my car. Maybe it's the music or the fact that in the car was when I would usually talk to her. Whatever the case, I had a good cry tonight and then went through her purse that is still downstairs. I can't bring myself to bring it upstairs for some reason. As I was sitting there crying I became thankful that I was not dependant on mom. I became thankful that we did not have a closer relationship than what we had. I realized that if mom and I had the same kind of mother/daughter relationship that I have envied my friends as having with thier mother's, I would probably not be able to function for my grief right now.
For the first time I can see the reason for my childhood. God has a plan for all of us. When we suffer, we question why He would let us suffer as He does. We ask what we could have done to deserve what has happened to us, or what we have missed out on. For twenty years I have been torn up inside over not having the type of mother who took care of your every need. A mother who would rush to your aide, even as an adult, when you needed her. A mother who went shopping with you, took you to get your nails done, gave you advice on how to raise your children, and who helped lead you to God in your childhood. I think that God has revealed why the mother I had longed for, was not to be mine, tonight. If she had been more than what she was, and if I had needed her more than she needed me, I would be completely devestated right now. God reveals everything in His time. This revelation has taken twenty years, and the loss of my mother to be understood by me. The wait was worth it, I feel more at peace. God is good, all of the time, all of the time.
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