Brain Freeze

Crapbag! This is has been my term for the past few months when I am frustrated. Lewd and crewd it is, but so be it. It's better than a lot of other words that can fly out of my mouth without a moments notice.
Just read a horrible book that has me depressed and missing my mother. My family is in bed, and I am up despite the fact that I am exhausted. So many thought running through my mind. Feeling shell shocked again, just as the Doc said I would. I hate this feeling. I want to crawl into a cave and hide from the world for about six months. I would want to take my boys with me of course, because when I am not with them it is worse. Yet, sometimes I feel an immense need to have a break. They are spending a rare night with my dad and stepmom tomorrow night which will be good for them adn good for my dad, and hopefully good for me.
I was painting again this week. It was nice to feel the brush in my hands again and mix the paint and play with colors on the canvas. I went downstairs to get my glue sticks for my hot glue gun. I didn't remember, as I opened the drawer that my glue sticks lay behind the box containing my mother's ashes. I was stunned, I couldn't breath for a minute and felt oddly still, almost disembodied for a minute or two. Of course in my traumatised brain, I laughed it off and kept going. This is the issue, I can't pretend to laugh, I can't pretend to not feel, to not care. I have to let this go. My inner sense of control combined with my obstinance will not let me grieve properly. Hence, I am pushing these feelings back, and trying to just move on, when that is not normal.
I always thought that my cousin was a drama queen for falling apart before mom died and then many times afterward. Now I realize that she is acting exactly how I should be acting. Will this madness ever end. I'm trapped inside my brain, and I can't get out. Praying for God to help me.